My girlfriend figured out who you are.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
