My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
