i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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