I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
its liver damage thursday
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
