she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
