I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
