yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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