oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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