Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Randomize
