I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
