She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
