At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
