birth control should be required to get into college
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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