Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
