I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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