Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
