on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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