I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
NoShamevember. You game?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
