This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
