my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
