its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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