I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
