so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize