she told me i tasted like america
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
