i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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