i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
