my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
