I want to walk on stilts...naked
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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