Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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