A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
