I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
