I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize