I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
