I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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