Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
