you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
