In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
