I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
