You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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