I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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