Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
