When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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