I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
no, he came in my armpit
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
