things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i will never coherently bang her
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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