either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize