I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize