Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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