So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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