Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
