while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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