i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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