My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
It's blow job season.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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