I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize