why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
