I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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