She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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