she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Randomize
