So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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