Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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